Democracy ? I don't think so !

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Grieving someone isn't always ment it's bad that your grieving.

Your missing that person that you loved, cared for, and were two peas in a pod. I have anxiety yeah but when you tell someone that they think your nuts. I have spent myself in entertainment of some form since I was 5 years old. So when I am in my don time I like my privacy and I do not like it pried into. Also it doesn't mean you need help that you are on the way to the boobie hatch. It just means I egg anxious around crowds and sometimes in my neighborhood bc I am near the city and everything going on in the news it does bother me this country and our involvement in stuff that really isn't our business and whs the repercussions could be to us. I also think that instead of pigeon holing me that someone should understand the spectrum of my lifestyle and I don't hate people I am not anxious bc of my dad passing. I am more motivated to succeed and do well In life to honor him.  

Also, I have been judged on my hyper behavior I am happy win who I am and people who have known me for several years know this about mt as well. So why is it that we habe monitors montering us. Whose montering them? 

Ok I am hyper person naturally a lot of people who know me several years know that about me.

Sometimes people who aren't used to me may think wow she drinks a lot of coffee. I used to mad I loved it but I prefer tea now still w caffeine but not much. I don't need to for energy so to say sometimes to get day started but my hyper personality has gotten a lot of things successful accomplished bc I am aggressive and I am a go getter. And I am not some one who bends to what the general public calls "normal" whatever you believe in god , gods, universe whTevr I believe we are all made and not to be changed we should accept each other and not try to mold each other to fit puzzle pieces that the state or government feels we shoud. Oh yeah because there way is the right way! 

So it's ok to get in my business can I get in yours. Do masturnate a lot? What do u do? Do u dins you talk loud? Or your your hyper? Hey I don't try to change people I accept them for who they are. I don't mind improvement and a little healthy criticism but trying to cast me into the mold and hold me down bc you feel my way isn't right well that to me is way way wrong! 

I am happy with who I am I look, in mirror and i don't have problem w me. And If I don't like so,some I am not their friend so if someone doesmt like me it is the same. I don't cUse problems so I appreciate when people respect my way of privacy and I will do the same. Everyone has dirt if someone digs dirt on me I do the same.

I am referring to th way bug brother is watching we have traffic cams cell phones drones NSA wire taps watching emails please can someone tell me when we became the old USSR communist Russo please! 

Who's gonna watch the watchers watching those who watch

Between NSA and listening in on cell phones to prevent terrorism ( which I think is a food thing) but at the cost of our privacy. Then u get prepaid cards too high of an amount they I'd you. I went to and money at western union and said to me are you from France? I said no why? I visited thre. Even western I om keeps track of what we send and receive. Which is again ok but when you start entangling together your telling me the politicians and police aren't gonna cross the lines. I always hated politics I am not a registered voter. I think the most. Or riot people arête people in government. And I am even wondering will I get harassed for even venting. Then you take police and local officials and the programs to help inner city at risk abusers and I just read they may have to limit wired. I garters and caffeine. Gee I thought that was over the counter? I. Occasional smoke Turkish cig/ cigars and I love my caffeine. I Armenian I love Turkish coffee. So I want to kno when does it end? I already On my way! The answer it doesn't we are too far gone and society is too out of control me included with technology. That's why all the fighting is going on power,struggles war or stupidity death it's horrible and we all know it but it still goes on. I am in such awe i am speechless from words out my mouth and anyone who knows me knows that's a serious statement! 

What do u do when people just act like lib don't even have a word for

was honest and discouraged a younger guy from Puruing me. He kept thinkkng there was a chance. He called late at night and I was a fiend don't get me wrong and we did have I good calls. But he pushed me to the point of being mean w my words so mean. I feel badly about that. He just kept poking the bear and I didn't know what to do l insulted his male parts and retaliated in a vengeful way and even though I am not giving him the power to make me decide to be here maybe Ita a sign to move? I have been wanting to for a while. I was told by him on several I axions his uncle who is a captain is a jerk. I don't know so obviously I can't verify it. Then he has told me several occasions about his cousin. Patrol police officer who takes from the evidence room and sometimes from people he has caught. This to me says I may be harassed in the future and the way he called a friend of mine and said that he would do20 worse then what he did to me and he in my eyes did Something way way Imature and spiteful. Compre to me! 

Realization people are crazy and just sometimes don't realize how crazy

I knew a friend of mine was a bit nutty had his issues but still tried to be a friend. Tried to distance myself but still be friendly.and of course I cared it was a friend but now I am dealing w dorm bc I became friends w someone w obvious issues. I also am a private person and knew this person could never keep trap shut and wasn't really someone to trust. A rat! A rodent! But I guess in my heart no matter when you argue even it's bad arguments w friends or you go months w out talking. I always know w my real friends I don't have to doubt them even when I say to them I don't want to talk to you. But this one whole new ball game no deduction and trueness to friends the minute you are fighting they turn on you like a demon. Well that's the difference in generations nod the new age of people without honor and code in friendship. Such a sham such a waste of spACE and I know I believe in karma and the universe so strongly I feel bad the universe and it's retribution.  Bottom Line karma a bitch!

OK this will date me a bit ... but.. its a good store.. Anyone remember the Facts of Life... ?

the Facts of Life.... tutti!   blaire... etc..
ok well I loved tutti

I always wanted braces like tutti... not knowing that getting braces was going to be torture and I wouldn't have them for a few years. I had them for five torturous years.  This is before gloves were mandatory in the health field. The dentist who worked on my teeth was a fire engine red head which was fine but he had such hairy knuckles.  I felt like he enjoyed causing pain. And there were about ten chairs lined up in a semi-circle side by side and that's how us children were seen.  Like were part of the manufacturer plant. lol. 
 

recalling a childhood story i still think about alot..

i was telling a friend tonight a story that i always think about and try and analyze myself. lol.. and if you know me i analyze everything so don't think that didn't include myself on it as well.  I am definitely not immune to my analyzing myself or criticizing myself. I do that to myself more than anyone else. I am brutally honest to me.. lol.
anyway i am getting off topic.

ANYWAY>>>>

I must of been six maybe seven. I would really have to ask my mom or grandma for sure. We lived with my grandma and my mom and her were sitting at the dining room table in the house. Talking about something. I was outside in the warm weather with a neighborhood friend. I wish I could remember who.. omg!  We were walking down the street and i see a huge dead crow.  I got very upset I always believed every creature needed to be buried and a proper funeral or they wouldn't go to heaven. 

So i picked up this big dead crow or whatever was.. it was big and dead!  I carried it into the house and my mother screamed lol.. Throw that the fuck outside right now!  lol.. I remember not being scared but literally listening to her literally!

I went outside and threw the bird.. It hit the road and the body went one way and the head went the other.  I still fell upset that damn bird didn't get a proper funeral. lol.. My poor mom and family really did and probably in some way have their hands full with me. lol.

The way this got brought up was I was hurt by a supposed good friend realy hurt i never thought she would bum me out as I was and a lot time people realize I have thick skin from the industry I have been in so i don't show emotions easily or a lot in general. Doesn't mean I am not human. Doesn't mean I don't feel. It doesn't mean I don't hurt, experience happiness sadness and laughter and all that goes with it. I just don't express but believe me I hurt and care and love all deep deepness lol. Like they say

Still waters run deep..... and i am a deep person.
and i brought that story up b/c even as a child i had compassion for every creature.  Maybe I am actually very emotional so i have to hide it or feel I have to hide it b/c if i am sincerely emotional I would be more vulnerable to getting hurt.

Anyway like i said  analyzing.. lol

night you all!

dirty jersey... miss it....

its funny today I am thinking how much I miss living in dirty jersey.. lol.
I didn't realize how many good times I had there. lol.. and all the friends I have there.. weird. but I still have to say when they made the parkways etc they were definitely on something.  and the one wall that goes down the highway looks like sperm...  I am sure others have noticed this.. yes?
 

For today.. I cherish and miss and think of someone who lit my life up for such a short time yet influenced my heart and made me know real love

In 1997 I met Mike Olzway he was a bouncer and I heard all these girls I worked with talking badly about him.  Thinking wow these girls are bitches.  Just talking about someone the way they were him.  Mind you I didn't know who he was or what he looked like.  This guy comes in the room and my heart just froze and I was overtaken by him. Just his smile, his eyes, his zest for life.  he was very funny and just smiling ear to ear. And everyone was nice to him. He introduced himself to me. Mike!.. wow and these two faced girls were so fake and phony.  A lesson in life right there. I had the biggest crush on him. I couldn't wait days to see him.  He had dark hair and light eyes and he was 6'4".  He dressed preppy with a tan.. But he wasn't a prep he was real and down to earth.  And he always made me laugh.  I knew he was a bit of a ladys man I didn't care I was enamored.  We started dating and didn't tell anyone at work it was no ones business. He believed in everything I did. He was so proud of me and loved me. There wasn't doubt in my body ever.  He was great to my grandma and I always thought he was the guy I would of been with forever. I saw him as the man I wanted to marry and I know he felt the same. without a doubt in my soul.  I was sick and he drove 3 hours in a snow storm to get me. I collapsed coming off a plane and he was there waiting to catch me.  He hardly had a dime to his name. But I loved him. On valentines day in 1998 he gave me lingerie in front of my grandma I nearly died.  Grandma laughed andsaid everyone needs panties and underwear lol.  He took me to a beautiful dinner and it was the first time I had chocolate dipped strawberries.  He was always upset he didn't have a lot of money and I worked so much and did. It eventually broke us up.  I moved to California and still kept in touch still thought someday I would be with him.  He was once in jail and was on probation when I met him. His probation officer loved me and I didn't care or judge him on his past he was great to me that is all that mattered.
He always knew I was going to succeed in my dreams. I still always thought I would marry him.  I was up in Albany in 2000 for a shoot with my friend Linda George.  We ran into him at a beverage center.  I never knew that would be the last time I ever saw him.  After memorial weekend that year I got a phone call from a friend Scott Burbine.  I just finished a shoot with my model friends darian and Rachel.  We were in a diner eating. I got a call and Scott asked where I was he needed to speak to me about Mike. I said just tell me I am 3 hours from Albany.  I joked and said what is he in jail.  Scott paused.... no he passed away.  We couldn't find your number.  We wanted to tell you we all knew you should of been there. He dated other people but he loved you he really loved you.  I had been thinking of him so much around then.  And something didn't seem right in the air.  He knew he was going to die by 28 and he was 28 for three months.  I don't remember a few months after that. Its a blur.  All I know is I have never been in love like that again.  I wish I could find that.  I would know it instantly bc that feeling I got when he walked in the room when I met him I will never forget that.

So today I say  I love you Michael and I remember you.. I was meant for you and you for me and I will see you again we are old souls and I know I knew you in another life. Happy Birthday Baby..

I have wanted for a long time now to let people know my depth... but in order to this

I have wanted for a long time now... to let people know my depth my soul. More about me, what I have lived through, what makes me .. me!... before I begin..... I must warn you...
I write how I would speak... it's always been my weakness and take into consideration b/c once I get going I may be faulty of run on sentences etc.. lol.  forewarned is forearmed.

I also have wanted to do this b/c I need cathartic release.  I also know that I may bounce around.. It will depend what is on my mind a particular night that I do an entry.  I know people are going to judge me for things I am going to talk about. I know maybe people won't believe some things for denial reasons.  I also want people to know I am not talking about these things now b/c I want pity or empathy.  I am also not intending to hurt people or make them feel badly and hope they don't get upset for the way I handled specific things that I should of reached out for help.  I just have always been a person that knows I can handle a lot. I also know in my heart I could carry these burdens these emotions and wanted to spare my family and friends so many things.  I also do not want to start discussions about these things over the next several months that I write about.

And finally I pray and hope that in regards to business whether writing, modeling, laser hair work etc that I will not be judged for my past andall that I have lived through but be respected for my honesty. My realness and many things are colorful because I truly have had maybe more than a colorful life

Whatever you read for this point on please know that I am happy with who I am and there is many things I want to accomplish and overcome and I wouldn't be the person right now sharing things with you if I hadn't gone through what I have.  And maybe many people and in general happy memories wouldn't of been experienced if I didn't have the life I have.