Friday, February 28, 2014

dirty jersey... miss it....

its funny today I am thinking how much I miss living in dirty jersey.. lol.
I didn't realize how many good times I had there. lol.. and all the friends I have there.. weird. but I still have to say when they made the parkways etc they were definitely on something.  and the one wall that goes down the highway looks like sperm...  I am sure others have noticed this.. yes?

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

For today.. I cherish and miss and think of someone who lit my life up for such a short time yet influenced my heart and made me know real love

In 1997 I met Mike Olzway he was a bouncer and I heard all these girls I worked with talking badly about him.  Thinking wow these girls are bitches.  Just talking about someone the way they were him.  Mind you I didn't know who he was or what he looked like.  This guy comes in the room and my heart just froze and I was overtaken by him. Just his smile, his eyes, his zest for life.  he was very funny and just smiling ear to ear. And everyone was nice to him. He introduced himself to me. Mike!.. wow and these two faced girls were so fake and phony.  A lesson in life right there. I had the biggest crush on him. I couldn't wait days to see him.  He had dark hair and light eyes and he was 6'4".  He dressed preppy with a tan.. But he wasn't a prep he was real and down to earth.  And he always made me laugh.  I knew he was a bit of a ladys man I didn't care I was enamored.  We started dating and didn't tell anyone at work it was no ones business. He believed in everything I did. He was so proud of me and loved me. There wasn't doubt in my body ever.  He was great to my grandma and I always thought he was the guy I would of been with forever. I saw him as the man I wanted to marry and I know he felt the same. without a doubt in my soul.  I was sick and he drove 3 hours in a snow storm to get me. I collapsed coming off a plane and he was there waiting to catch me.  He hardly had a dime to his name. But I loved him. On valentines day in 1998 he gave me lingerie in front of my grandma I nearly died.  Grandma laughed andsaid everyone needs panties and underwear lol.  He took me to a beautiful dinner and it was the first time I had chocolate dipped strawberries.  He was always upset he didn't have a lot of money and I worked so much and did. It eventually broke us up.  I moved to California and still kept in touch still thought someday I would be with him.  He was once in jail and was on probation when I met him. His probation officer loved me and I didn't care or judge him on his past he was great to me that is all that mattered.
He always knew I was going to succeed in my dreams. I still always thought I would marry him.  I was up in Albany in 2000 for a shoot with my friend Linda George.  We ran into him at a beverage center.  I never knew that would be the last time I ever saw him.  After memorial weekend that year I got a phone call from a friend Scott Burbine.  I just finished a shoot with my model friends darian and Rachel.  We were in a diner eating. I got a call and Scott asked where I was he needed to speak to me about Mike. I said just tell me I am 3 hours from Albany.  I joked and said what is he in jail.  Scott paused.... no he passed away.  We couldn't find your number.  We wanted to tell you we all knew you should of been there. He dated other people but he loved you he really loved you.  I had been thinking of him so much around then.  And something didn't seem right in the air.  He knew he was going to die by 28 and he was 28 for three months.  I don't remember a few months after that. Its a blur.  All I know is I have never been in love like that again.  I wish I could find that.  I would know it instantly bc that feeling I got when he walked in the room when I met him I will never forget that.

So today I say  I love you Michael and I remember you.. I was meant for you and you for me and I will see you again we are old souls and I know I knew you in another life. Happy Birthday Baby..

I have wanted for a long time now to let people know my depth... but in order to this

I have wanted for a long time now... to let people know my depth my soul. More about me, what I have lived through, what makes me .. me!... before I begin..... I must warn you...
I write how I would speak... it's always been my weakness and take into consideration b/c once I get going I may be faulty of run on sentences etc.. lol.  forewarned is forearmed.

I also have wanted to do this b/c I need cathartic release.  I also know that I may bounce around.. It will depend what is on my mind a particular night that I do an entry.  I know people are going to judge me for things I am going to talk about. I know maybe people won't believe some things for denial reasons.  I also want people to know I am not talking about these things now b/c I want pity or empathy.  I am also not intending to hurt people or make them feel badly and hope they don't get upset for the way I handled specific things that I should of reached out for help.  I just have always been a person that knows I can handle a lot. I also know in my heart I could carry these burdens these emotions and wanted to spare my family and friends so many things.  I also do not want to start discussions about these things over the next several months that I write about.

And finally I pray and hope that in regards to business whether writing, modeling, laser hair work etc that I will not be judged for my past andall that I have lived through but be respected for my honesty. My realness and many things are colorful because I truly have had maybe more than a colorful life

Whatever you read for this point on please know that I am happy with who I am and there is many things I want to accomplish and overcome and I wouldn't be the person right now sharing things with you if I hadn't gone through what I have.  And maybe many people and in general happy memories wouldn't of been experienced if I didn't have the life I have.