Saturday, March 24, 2012

kids can be cruel i know from experience

when i lived in quaker street kids were cruel.  i didn't come from money i was pudgey b/c i was miserable.  i tried to to fit in being nice, being quiet and invisible, joining soccer.  nothing seemed to work. when i thought people were my friends i was wrong.  i always seemed to get hurt. so i went inside and played video games and listened to madonna and michael jackson. i also read everything on madonna. she really helped me through a hard time in my life through her music and michael jackson's.
i remember one halloween i thought i was finally going out and having fun. of course the boys i was hanging with had eggs and whipped cream and we were being bad!  and inside i knew it and just didn't want to be alone. but then towards the end what do they do to me. spray paint my jeans my dad bought me. they weren't cheap and my family was on a budget.  i didn't say anything to my family b/c i wasn't a rat.  but this is the abuse i put up with from my peers. 

living in quaker street people can be cruel

so  not only was my home life not good..   which let me clarify now that i am out and on my own my relationship with  my mom and now my step father is good.  but there are alot of stories that i am going to post that will delve into the hardships of alot of what makes me who i am now.

i remember one time a good memory my mom her boyfriend and i went to schoharie, new york to a creek it was fun we went on a tire tube we swam all day.  there were snapping turtles and my moms boyfriend was getting nipped  the whole time and laughing about it.  i was petrified. lol.

another time my mom and i went to the market in schoharie omg one thing  i hated doing with my mother was shopping. she always put tons of stuff back once we got to the register. there would end up being a huge line behind us and everyone looking which i hated!  i would try to disappear to those toy isles supermarkets had but then she would scream my name and curse.  so either way i was mortified.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

not only was i away from my grandma but now i was ten and in hell

So my moms boyfriend was a raging alcoholic every night he fell asleep with a beer in his hand and his loaded shot gun between his legs or at his side. my day basically consisted of getting up frantic for school with my screaming and bitching(how she gets no help, shes all on her own, and we didn't care) She just had to bitch and complain and it was an everyday everynight occurence. Then when i got home from school i was to do the dishes, do the laundry, vaccuum all the rooms take out garbage, make all the beds and clean everything. Basically i was a ten year old slave. If i didn't do it perfect or finish everything i got bitched at. what ten year old knows how to do anything Perfect as if i were a house keeper. Gee perhaps i was a child. that could be it. then i did get to enjoy my soaop opera before they came home. Guiding light... my way to escape into fantasy land.

then when they would get home i had to help with whatever my mother was bringing in. she again started the bitching then of course smoke after after smoke.. which choked me constantly. keith and her would go relaz in the living room and i would stay hibernated in my bedroom. alone and sad.

i liked different funky things and now i was in school district where there were 25 in my graduation class and not even 330 in the whole school.
i started there at Duanesburg elementary in 5th grade. i hated it. i hated everything about it. they made me take these entrance exams even though they knew what levels i was in so i pissed. So i just filled in anything in all the boxes b/c i couldn't be bothered. it was exactly rebellion it was more me thinking how hard was it to contact my older school to see where i was it. communication it is important duh.

back to dinner we would eat at the table together. i would hardly talk. nothing to talk about and they didn't seem to care. and of course my mothers boyfriend had to tru to be the big man on campus. he put me down told me i was fat. told me i was a loser and never going to amount to anythinng. he knew i loved madonna so he took her playboy layout and threw it on kitchen table. theres your idol he said. i remember thinking good for her. It was then that i decided if she could dc it i could do it.
So while my moms boyfriend tried to ruin my thoughs on my idol. He only strengthened them and moved my motivation into my soul.

At night i would go to bed after all their bitching how i didn't spend time in the living room with them. why with bitching and fighting and cigarette smoke. gee what ten year old would want that.

this was my life four five years. my grades sufferred. kids picked on me whether it was because my mom was poor and i wasn't stylish or b/c i danced to a different groove. i loved fashion, music, photos and funky styles. i was mostly a loner with a few friends.

My mom got a boyfriend

my mother got a boyfriend after my father and her divorced he moved to del ray beach florida. i loved grandma and was always with her and my aunt and cousin (who was two years younger) my mother couldn't be bothered with me. she was always going out and when she came home and i wanted attention. she would tell my grandmother to "keep that kid quiet. i need some sleep" she constantly told me how she didn't want me and i was a mistake. she even once said she wish got an abortion and this is when i was 5. i remember these words like they were yesterday. i don't resent her now and we talk but i still have those memories and those actions. i don't dismiss them like they weren't said. So obviously i was grandmas baby. She loved me she read with me she taught me about trying things. Grandma always said try something once and if you don't like it at least you tried it. I always have since then. I am a better person and more well rounded because of it.

One day my mom comes back home (which was grandmas) and tells me that i am moving with her that she and her boyfriend Keith bought a house in Quaker street new york. I told her no i wanted to stay with grandma. She then treated me like an object not her child. She told me i was hers and not grandmas and i was moving with her and thats that. Then she would threaten to send me to my dads. which wasn't a bad thing but it was her empty threat. I even knew that as a child. SHe didn't like the fact that her daughter loved grandma more. Well she should of spent time with me and not have been so mentally abusive if she wanted me to want to be with her.
So of course she dragged me with her and Keith to Quaker Street.

I hated it there. I was there five years. It was horrible. Both Keith and my mother smoked and all the time. I was embarrassed one time my 8th grade home room teacher asked me if i smoked. Thats how much i smelled of smoke. I was mortified. I hid myself in my bedroom. Thank god my dad sent me a tv and ninentendo. I listened to Michael Jackson and Madonna and couldn't wait to not live there. My grades went from 90s to 30s and i was now pudgey b/c all i did was eat eclaires and root beer floats to drown my sorrows away. i contimplated killing myself on several occasions. i wanted to be with grandma and instead of my mother seeing that might be better for me. She hated that i felt that way always screaming i was her child and grandma and joyce took me from her. They did no such thing she was too busy good timing it to bother me. Its crazy she thinks i don't remember things like this. I was a kid not stupid. My moms boyfriend was a raging alcholic to top it all off.


I flash backs to my childhood alot. I am thankful i had a happy childhood

but stating that i have alot other stories not so great that were part of my child hood. Some of the things i am going to say here is going to bother and possibly upset several people that know me. or may be related to me. I am at age where i feel i have the right to get it off my chest. i have held so many things in succesfully but i am sure with some price my soul has paid. I am also sure that alot of things i have gone through have developed who i have become to be. I don't regret or hate people that did me harm. I have forgiveness in my heart. Please keep that in mind as you read my blogs in the months to come. This is sort of carthartic for me. I rememberr being a baby. I remember being in held in love. i remember loving life at that tiny age. that pure feeling innocent we call it. i recmember it and its warm in my thoughts.

Around two years old i started feeling tension and wierd vibes around alot of my family. tenstion between my mom and aunt. i was too young to understand it. i did know even by 4 and 5 that my mom wasn't the best of moms. I thought she was cool and fun when we spent our time together. but we didn't spend time together too much. She and my father seperated when i was around 2 or 3. I have two memories with them. it was xmas i was young we were in a bottom apartment i think. my mom had short hair but made tons of piggies tails all over to be cute and my dad and her were laughing. but things still felt tense. i am very sensitive to peoples energy. like an empath. i have learned over the to not let peoples energies drain me and to not react too much emotionally or else it wore me down at a young age. The last memory i have is xmas i about 2 or 3 and my dad got me a blow up bear that i sit on. he was cool. and i loved it. but then i remember my dads short tmemper and he was scolding me. i don't know what i did i was two who knows? but i know they fought over how i should or should not be punished. then its a blurr for a while and then i was living with mommy at grandmas in colonie, new york. Great place to grow up. My dad soon moved to delray beach, fla. I missed him but i understood he had to do what was best for him. I really did undertstand this at a young age. even if i couldnt convey it.

i loved growing up in colonie with my grandma who loved me very much. she shared so much with me. and i shared with her. everything good inside me i know is from her. she has a heart so sensitive and she wears it on her shoulder. i always saw that and how it hurt me more to see her hurt so sensitive. knowing i had the same sensitivity i quickly began to hide it. i didn't want anyone to hurt me and saw in this world was changing and that people take advantage of those whose emotions are their shoulders. i would cry sure but privately and it would kill me. but it made me tough. for example i still am so so sad when our dog pepper was dying grandma was crying and crying and crying on the stairs and holding pepper with such love. i was lik six or seven in her bed crying my eyes out. She came in and said "sonja peppers dying honey" i said i know grandma and tried to hold my teas back at the point b/c i was trying to be tough for her. she cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed hysterically and it just broke my heart and never felt that horrible hearing my grandma cry like that i knew she had the same heart i did the love creatures and emotional attached. grandma came inside with me and we slept and we cried together., after that point grandma and i shared many many emotional secrets. Some that were so horrible that happened to her i almost wish she didn't tell me b/c i bare those stories and they weigh on my heart and i wish i was around when all the bad things that happened to her so that i could of somehow protected her. i thought this when i was seven and i think this now!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Foggy foggy night.

I feel like I am on London when I look out the windows very cool photo below me being silly lol but seriously I love hats!

this is first photo linda took

first photo linda took of me

A summer memory. remembered.

When i was just starting to do pageants. I did the empire state pageant in new york. My very first pageant i did not place i did however receive miss congeniality and most photogenic.

I went on to my second empire state pageant in new york and got ms. congeniality again and in the top ten. I also won a summer acting scholarship with the bob luke acting studio. Bob luke coached alot of kids from the cosby show. There was only a year scholarship but because he was impressed with me he created and gave a summer scholarship.

I happily moved to new york and lived in gramecy place down near 19th and park ave. I loved it@! it was great! it was an all women security guarded building. it was 165 a week with my own room and shower. And phone in my room. And three meals a day. In manhattan let me say wow wow wow!

I worked with Bob and then took a few other acting courses while i was in Manhattan. I also did shoe shows, promotional modeling, and some romance magazines. Which I became friends with photographer Linda George and we have traveled the world and done so many photo shoots i can't begin to count. She taught me so much about posing and modeling and how to present myself that she really molded me.

to be continued...

Monday, March 19, 2012

dont forget to check out

don't forget to check out all my videos on
i am editing and posting videos from over the last ten years.
finally learning some programs. lol


all my love

Kelly Kole and Rachel Krupsky Adventures Continued

So we knew we had to get some of those photos back. Rachels parents are great people but they are very religious. My family is too but not the same. Rachel is also a very caring human being. So much so that she tries to please everyone all the time. Which over the years she realizes stretches her thin. And that probably resulted in the health issues she has had recently. Anyway back to the photographer. Well picture a sleezy cheezy photographer with a shirt unbottoned and funny pattern with gold chains on his neck. And tinted glasses like 70's porn.

I told her to tell him i was interested in shooting. So we went to his studio which was a huge house of different levels of studios. And he went upstairs to get some magazines for me to look in. This is Oui, Hustler, and all those swanky mens magazines. LOVELY!

So i asked her where the photos (slides and negatives were kept). Rachel pointed to a filing cabinet and i went in and started looking for her file. I successfully found them and started putting them down my front of my jeans and in my bra and hers also. Of course my adrenalin was pulsing and still did it though. I wanted to protect my new friend from a future of problems with these kind of photos. They were a bit risque and i am open minded. And Rachel as i said likes to please people so some people would take advantage i.e. a photographer thats a 70s looking sleeze! no names or places mentioned here! lol.

So he came down and we played it cool. Looked through some photos and at the studio and told him i would think about it. We left in her gremlin of a car lol. And i looked at the photos more in the car. I told her never to do things like that again!. She also told me how he doctored her i.d. and she was only 17 when they shot the photos. I felt good that i helped my new friend and hoped she realized that obviously i am ok with nudity. I just didn't like crotch shots with strawberries next to it!. And obviously this guy was a prediator b/c she was only 17!

Thats just the beginning of our adventures! more to come!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Rachel Krupsky over 20 years ago she influenced in the direction to where i have been!

It feels real strange to realize i have a friend so long. When your younger not that i am old.. i know i sound like i am over 90 lol. I always joke and say i am.. lol.

anyway we never see ourselves entwined or growing with individuals in life.
well rachel and i our journey began a long time ago. I was in a creative writing class and here comes this girl brown hair with a cute wavy bob. and brown eyes with a natural makeup. So clueless as she walked in half way through class. la di da like no big thing! .. i remember thinking the gumption on this girl. lol

i was also a cheerleader for the hudson valley college football and basketball team. it was basketball season and rachel and i started talking and she invited to a party. she told me how she modeled.
i had already taken ediquate classes and done some pageants. (which not until a year or so ago realized rachel was in it with me) i was friendly to her then too just gravitated towards each other. not even intentionally.

She came to pick me up at my grandmas for a good old traditional house party being a college student i felt i should part take! she showed up a few hours late to picking me up. Little did i know that was going to set the pace for her always extreme lateness. lol. while upsetting my poor grandma and telling her if i wanted to be real skinny to only eat carrots and celery. lol which i am already a diet feen so my grandma wasn't thrilled. what an impression. lol.

She drove this little red gremlin. OMG! and showed me her modeling portfolio The portfolio was so huge that it was us two girls and this huge book opened under the car inside light. She was photogenic and organized and motivated. I admired all of that. It was a basement apartment and i remember low ceilings and people dancing and drinking. And she walked in screaming " hi everyone hi everyone!" lol she was so happy and lively i loved it!.

Well rachel was doing all these mens magazines and i was telling me she was underage. I told her we had to get the photos back. she couldn't have vvulgar photos of her out there. So

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