i would love to hear opinions

i would love to hear opinions on what  everyone wants to talk about? what bothers them? whats on their minds?

again this blog is personal and real..  it might mention things and feelings about personal friends and family. i am writing to see what people in general.. all of you!!  find interesting or a subject to talk about.  i am thinking of doing a third book and trying to figure.. self help.. motivation..  anyone can overcome obstacles.. and when it comes down to it we are all so much alike and we resist it~

today i was thinking about how i grew up with my cousin we did everything together.  when i think of memories of her they are all good. we did dance and gymnastics and trips and just everything together.  then in our first few years of college even though we were family we grew apart.  i knew it was happening. i hated it but i thought it was her choice. we all have our lives and grow in separete ways or similar..  whatever.

so she got married i didn't go to wedding but i wasn't invited.  but invited and i don 't know why... i thought she was too young anyway.. early 20.. later they got seperated and she was pregnant with best mans child. he is awesome kid.  sensitive smart and sweet and absolutely POLITE!!  rarity these days.  so she married the best man joe... recently they got seperated and she came to my birthday last summer and was the cousin i knew. she was like and is like the a sister to me.  i have a sister but shes 12 years younger and we are not close. i actually think she has alot of anger towards me b/c i wasnt active in her life but i was older and lived with my grandmother. what can i do.. it is what it is...

anyway my cousin has been more social unfortunatley ner and her husband.. second one are seperated and i don't know why she wasn't tight with me when they were together but selfishly i am happy she is friendly with me again.  i truly am..

i don't think my sister sister and i will repair our relationship.
i am not going to feel bad for circumstances and life happening and i am not going to chase someone. i wanted to develop a relationsihp but maybe there isn't one to develop. i have to accept it and move on.

kids can be cruel i know from experience

when i lived in quaker street kids were cruel.  i didn't come from money i was pudgey b/c i was miserable.  i tried to to fit in being nice, being quiet and invisible, joining soccer.  nothing seemed to work. when i thought people were my friends i was wrong.  i always seemed to get hurt. so i went inside and played video games and listened to madonna and michael jackson. i also read everything on madonna. she really helped me through a hard time in my life through her music and michael jackson's.
i remember one halloween i thought i was finally going out and having fun. of course the boys i was hanging with had eggs and whipped cream and we were being bad!  and inside i knew it and just didn't want to be alone. but then towards the end what do they do to me. spray paint my jeans my dad bought me. they weren't cheap and my family was on a budget.  i didn't say anything to my family b/c i wasn't a rat.  but this is the abuse i put up with from my peers. 
   

living in quaker street people can be cruel

so  not only was my home life not good..   which let me clarify now that i am out and on my own my relationship with  my mom and now my step father is good.  but there are alot of stories that i am going to post that will delve into the hardships of alot of what makes me who i am now.

i remember one time a good memory my mom her boyfriend and i went to schoharie, new york to a creek it was fun we went on a tire tube we swam all day.  there were snapping turtles and my moms boyfriend was getting nipped  the whole time and laughing about it.  i was petrified. lol.

another time my mom and i went to the market in schoharie omg one thing  i hated doing with my mother was shopping. she always put tons of stuff back once we got to the register. there would end up being a huge line behind us and everyone looking which i hated!  i would try to disappear to those toy isles supermarkets had but then she would scream my name and curse.  so either way i was mortified.

not only was i away from my grandma but now i was ten and in hell

So my moms boyfriend was a raging alcoholic every night he fell asleep with a beer in his hand and his loaded shot gun between his legs or at his side. my day basically consisted of getting up frantic for school with my screaming and bitching(how she gets no help, shes all on her own, and we didn't care) She just had to bitch and complain and it was an everyday everynight occurence. Then when i got home from school i was to do the dishes, do the laundry, vaccuum all the rooms take out garbage, make all the beds and clean everything. Basically i was a ten year old slave. If i didn't do it perfect or finish everything i got bitched at. what ten year old knows how to do anything Perfect as if i were a house keeper. Gee perhaps i was a child. that could be it. then i did get to enjoy my soaop opera before they came home. Guiding light... my way to escape into fantasy land.

then when they would get home i had to help with whatever my mother was bringing in. she again started the bitching then of course smoke after after smoke.. which choked me constantly. keith and her would go relaz in the living room and i would stay hibernated in my bedroom. alone and sad.

i liked different funky things and now i was in school district where there were 25 in my graduation class and not even 330 in the whole school.
i started there at Duanesburg elementary in 5th grade. i hated it. i hated everything about it. they made me take these entrance exams even though they knew what levels i was in so i pissed. So i just filled in anything in all the boxes b/c i couldn't be bothered. it was exactly rebellion it was more me thinking how hard was it to contact my older school to see where i was it. communication it is important duh.

back to dinner we would eat at the table together. i would hardly talk. nothing to talk about and they didn't seem to care. and of course my mothers boyfriend had to tru to be the big man on campus. he put me down told me i was fat. told me i was a loser and never going to amount to anythinng. he knew i loved madonna so he took her playboy layout and threw it on kitchen table. theres your idol he said. i remember thinking good for her. It was then that i decided if she could dc it i could do it.
So while my moms boyfriend tried to ruin my thoughs on my idol. He only strengthened them and moved my motivation into my soul.

At night i would go to bed after all their bitching how i didn't spend time in the living room with them. why with bitching and fighting and cigarette smoke. gee what ten year old would want that.

this was my life four five years. my grades sufferred. kids picked on me whether it was because my mom was poor and i wasn't stylish or b/c i danced to a different groove. i loved fashion, music, photos and funky styles. i was mostly a loner with a few friends.

My mom got a boyfriend

my mother got a boyfriend after my father and her divorced he moved to del ray beach florida. i loved grandma and was always with her and my aunt and cousin (who was two years younger) my mother couldn't be bothered with me. she was always going out and when she came home and i wanted attention. she would tell my grandmother to "keep that kid quiet. i need some sleep" she constantly told me how she didn't want me and i was a mistake. she even once said she wish got an abortion and this is when i was 5. i remember these words like they were yesterday. i don't resent her now and we talk but i still have those memories and those actions. i don't dismiss them like they weren't said. So obviously i was grandmas baby. She loved me she read with me she taught me about trying things. Grandma always said try something once and if you don't like it at least you tried it. I always have since then. I am a better person and more well rounded because of it.

One day my mom comes back home (which was grandmas) and tells me that i am moving with her that she and her boyfriend Keith bought a house in Quaker street new york. I told her no i wanted to stay with grandma. She then treated me like an object not her child. She told me i was hers and not grandmas and i was moving with her and thats that. Then she would threaten to send me to my dads. which wasn't a bad thing but it was her empty threat. I even knew that as a child. SHe didn't like the fact that her daughter loved grandma more. Well she should of spent time with me and not have been so mentally abusive if she wanted me to want to be with her.
So of course she dragged me with her and Keith to Quaker Street.

I hated it there. I was there five years. It was horrible. Both Keith and my mother smoked and all the time. I was embarrassed one time my 8th grade home room teacher asked me if i smoked. Thats how much i smelled of smoke. I was mortified. I hid myself in my bedroom. Thank god my dad sent me a tv and ninentendo. I listened to Michael Jackson and Madonna and couldn't wait to not live there. My grades went from 90s to 30s and i was now pudgey b/c all i did was eat eclaires and root beer floats to drown my sorrows away. i contimplated killing myself on several occasions. i wanted to be with grandma and instead of my mother seeing that might be better for me. She hated that i felt that way always screaming i was her child and grandma and joyce took me from her. They did no such thing she was too busy good timing it to bother me. Its crazy she thinks i don't remember things like this. I was a kid not stupid. My moms boyfriend was a raging alcholic to top it all off.

continued..