I flash backs to my childhood alot. I am thankful i had a happy childhood

but stating that i have alot other stories not so great that were part of my child hood. Some of the things i am going to say here is going to bother and possibly upset several people that know me. or may be related to me. I am at age where i feel i have the right to get it off my chest. i have held so many things in succesfully but i am sure with some price my soul has paid. I am also sure that alot of things i have gone through have developed who i have become to be. I don't regret or hate people that did me harm. I have forgiveness in my heart. Please keep that in mind as you read my blogs in the months to come. This is sort of carthartic for me. I rememberr being a baby. I remember being in held in love. i remember loving life at that tiny age. that pure feeling innocent we call it. i recmember it and its warm in my thoughts.

Around two years old i started feeling tension and wierd vibes around alot of my family. tenstion between my mom and aunt. i was too young to understand it. i did know even by 4 and 5 that my mom wasn't the best of moms. I thought she was cool and fun when we spent our time together. but we didn't spend time together too much. She and my father seperated when i was around 2 or 3. I have two memories with them. it was xmas i was young we were in a bottom apartment i think. my mom had short hair but made tons of piggies tails all over to be cute and my dad and her were laughing. but things still felt tense. i am very sensitive to peoples energy. like an empath. i have learned over the to not let peoples energies drain me and to not react too much emotionally or else it wore me down at a young age. The last memory i have is xmas i about 2 or 3 and my dad got me a blow up bear that i sit on. he was cool. and i loved it. but then i remember my dads short tmemper and he was scolding me. i don't know what i did i was two who knows? but i know they fought over how i should or should not be punished. then its a blurr for a while and then i was living with mommy at grandmas in colonie, new york. Great place to grow up. My dad soon moved to delray beach, fla. I missed him but i understood he had to do what was best for him. I really did undertstand this at a young age. even if i couldnt convey it.

i loved growing up in colonie with my grandma who loved me very much. she shared so much with me. and i shared with her. everything good inside me i know is from her. she has a heart so sensitive and she wears it on her shoulder. i always saw that and how it hurt me more to see her hurt so sensitive. knowing i had the same sensitivity i quickly began to hide it. i didn't want anyone to hurt me and saw in this world was changing and that people take advantage of those whose emotions are their shoulders. i would cry sure but privately and it would kill me. but it made me tough. for example i still am so so sad when our dog pepper was dying grandma was crying and crying and crying on the stairs and holding pepper with such love. i was lik six or seven in her bed crying my eyes out. She came in and said "sonja peppers dying honey" i said i know grandma and tried to hold my teas back at the point b/c i was trying to be tough for her. she cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed hysterically and it just broke my heart and never felt that horrible hearing my grandma cry like that i knew she had the same heart i did the love creatures and emotional attached. grandma came inside with me and we slept and we cried together., after that point grandma and i shared many many emotional secrets. Some that were so horrible that happened to her i almost wish she didn't tell me b/c i bare those stories and they weigh on my heart and i wish i was around when all the bad things that happened to her so that i could of somehow protected her. i thought this when i was seven and i think this now!